Exclusive: Apple acquires the FBI

Apple has acquired the Federal Bureau of Investigation, IDG Connect can exclusively reveal today.

The terms of the agreement have not been disclosed. The Cupertino-based company and the FBI have been at loggerheads recently over the unlocking of the San Bernardino killer Syed Farook’s iPhone.

It is thought that because the FBI would not reveal how it managed to unlock the iPhone in question without the help of the manufacturer, Apple would simply buy the Bureau and find out that way.

“Apple buys smaller technology companies from time to time, and we generally do not discuss our purpose or plans,” said a spokesperson for the company. “However, in this case, the FBI can suck it. We already collect more data than they do and can do a better job of gleaning insights from it.”

Reports that the FBI’s data collection capabilities were in truth an old microphone, some floppy disks and a USB found on a train are unconfirmed, while rumours on social media that the infamous iPhone was found next to a hammer and chisel are still being authenticated.

While it has not been revealed how much the deal cost Apple, President Obama is reportedly happy that he has suddenly reduced the national deficit by a significant number of zeros.


Happy April Fools Everybody. 


« Enterprise mobility costs - are you missing a trick?


Kenya: Integrating e-books in education »
Dan Swinhoe

Dan is a journalist at CSO Online. Previously he was Senior Staff Writer at IDG Connect.

  • twt
  • twt
  • twt
  • Mail

Recommended for You

International Women's Day: We've come a long way, but there's still an awfully long way to go

Charlotte Trueman takes a diverse look at today’s tech landscape.

Trump's trade war and the FANG bubble: Good news for Latin America?

Lewis Page gets down to business across global tech

20 Red-Hot, Pre-IPO companies to watch in 2019 B2B tech - Part 1

Martin Veitch's inside track on today’s tech trends


Do you think your smartphone is making you a workaholic?