Exclusive: Apple acquires the FBI

Apple has acquired the Federal Bureau of Investigation, IDG Connect can exclusively reveal today.

The terms of the agreement have not been disclosed. The Cupertino-based company and the FBI have been at loggerheads recently over the unlocking of the San Bernardino killer Syed Farook’s iPhone.

It is thought that because the FBI would not reveal how it managed to unlock the iPhone in question without the help of the manufacturer, Apple would simply buy the Bureau and find out that way.

“Apple buys smaller technology companies from time to time, and we generally do not discuss our purpose or plans,” said a spokesperson for the company. “However, in this case, the FBI can suck it. We already collect more data than they do and can do a better job of gleaning insights from it.”

Reports that the FBI’s data collection capabilities were in truth an old microphone, some floppy disks and a USB found on a train are unconfirmed, while rumours on social media that the infamous iPhone was found next to a hammer and chisel are still being authenticated.

While it has not been revealed how much the deal cost Apple, President Obama is reportedly happy that he has suddenly reduced the national deficit by a significant number of zeros.


Happy April Fools Everybody. 


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Dan Swinhoe

Dan is a journalist at CSO Online. Previously he was Senior Staff Writer at IDG Connect.

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