friday-rant
Social Media Marketing

Rant: Five amazing ways to become a LinkedIn ninja!

In these days of war, state-sponsored hooliganism, terrorism and acts of wilful self-harming to the body politic there are, I suppose, much more important things to worry about than the dreadful preening, self-congratulatory nincompoop-ism, mutual admiration societies and assaults on language, syntax and sense that constitute that modern digital example of Man’s inhumanity to Man, the LinkedIn post. But still…

So with no further ado, prologue or pussyfooting around let us count the ways you can join the madding crowd of these narcissists and their appalling tendency to point at themselves and their paltry lessons learned as they beg rewards for the most minor achievements.

1.     Talk up some notional narrative in self-improvement. You didn’t make it to middle management in some tier-3 company without bootstrapping your way to the top (or middle) so break their hearts with the sacrifices you have made, the people who helped you scale a few rungs on the corporate ladder and the key moments you have experienced, omitting no detail no matter how dull, irrelevant or imagined.

2.     Use infantile language that is designed for marketing consumption. Advise on how to become a ‘ninja’, ‘rock star’ or some other rarefied status. You became a ‘PowerPoint maven’ – many congratulations but please, spell out for us the full glory of your coronation and arrival on this luminous summit.

3.     Employ a full arsenal of bullet points, slideshow carousels, infographics, listicles, mnemonics and other aids for the hard of thinking. These will help even the thickest people retain the facile information you are shovelling up. It’s not technically possible to add flashing luminous electric lighting to your posts so work your material by salting in plenty of capitalisation - some of it random for variety - for no other reason than the fact that you can. Exclamation marks, bold fonts, emojis and other excrescences may also come in handy.

4.     Make sure you help ‘socialise’ your work by bowing and doffing your cap to the LinkedIn work of your peers and colleagues, thus ensuring their sympathy votes. They may not read your post but the modern digital bartering system means they will point others to your enduring prose, stacked-high page furniture and other nonsense on a quid pro quo basis.

5.     Keep It Simple Stupid. Whatever you do, remember that nobody ever went bust underestimating the public so pile on clichés and hackneyed quotes but most of all aim very, very low. You worked out how to improve your public speaking? Great, that means you should be able to get a minimum of 500 words out of telling your readers to remember to go to the toilet before presenting, always to wear clothes, to speak the language of the gathered audience and so forth.

 

Also read:

Rant: The agony of conference calls

Rant: Nonsense career analytics via LinkedIn

With LinkedIn, Microsoft risks gaining a reputation as a nag

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Martin Veitch

Martin Veitch is Contributing Editor for IDG Connect

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